Ladies Who Lunch

11/21/11

Yesterday I went out with the ladies who lunch, Chinese edition. And I must say, middle-aged Chinese ladies are very similar to middle-aged Jewish ladies. Both are shrill, both tell you you’re beautiful then force you to eat more. And for a more concrete example: both play mahjong.  Except mahjong here is like American mahjong on steroids. There are two sets of tiles, and while you’re playing with one set, the machine inside the special mahjong table mixes the other. Also, they play without cards. I wonder if they’ve memorized all the combinations. Yes, I realize I’ve lost half of you by now.

            Lunch was a blast. My homestay mother’s friend who reminds me of my Aunt Rita was there, and she was a riot. My homestay brother and his girlfriend were there too, bickering as usual. How do I know that they’re bickering if I don’t speak Chinese you ask? Well I just do. They’re such a funny couple; she’s a full head taller than he is. Also in attendance was a mother daughter pair. The daughter, much to my delight, spoke some English. She was able to tell me that I was eating “pig face.” I think I might have preferred not to know, but after chicken feet, I can handle anything.

            They ordered a Roman Feast’s worth of food. We were in a fancy Lazy Susan restaurant (so fancy you couldn’t throw your bones on the floor,) and had eleven dishes for seven people. Thank goodness one of the few phrases in Chinese that I know is, “I’m full.”

            Afterwards, the waitresses wanted to take pictures with me. A few times now our group members have been stopped for pictures with “the whites.” I expect it should be much worse though in India. I think it’s interesting how white upper-middle class kids in the US like to bitch and moan about the lack of diversity in our suburbias. If we saw someone of another race walking down the street, we wouldn’t so much a blink. Here, and in Ecuador as well, we get flat out gawked at.

That afternoon I met Jack. Jack was born in Taiwan, but lived in LA for thirty-eight years, and is an American citizen. He came to Yunnan for retirement. He used to own a very successful seafood restaurant in LA. Now he owns a clothing store in Kunming that sells American brands. His son makes a quarter of a million dollars a year working for Nordstrom, and his daughter works for AT&T. Her husband, his son-in-law, works for the FBI. And would I like some tea? And here’s his card. And I’m to call him if I need anything, anything! If I ever need to tell my homestay parents something, call him and he’ll explain. If I’m ever in trouble, call him! And if I like duck I should go to the restaurant across the street. Call him!

            So it turns out that I was invited to the wedding on Sunday night. It was quite an experience. The wedding took place in a giant wedding factory, where as many as five weddings can take place at the same time. When we arrived, all of the brides and grooms were standing outside in white wedding dresses and tuxes to greet their guests. Bridesmaids and groomsmen held trays of candy, nuts, and cigarettes. My mother took a handful of candy and insisted I put it into my purse.  We walked into a giant dining room, with free seating for the approximately five hundred guests. The meal began before the bride and groom had re-entered. If I thought there had been a lot of food at lunch, my whole perception of what a lot of food is was then changed.  There was so much food that they had to pile the platters on top of one another on the lazy susan. Every possible meat you could think of was served, in addition to spicy noodles, soup, dumplings, sticky rice, and probably six different types of vegetables.  Everyone at the table kept serving me more and more food. But my mother, such a sweetheart, protected me from spicy food and fish. I don’t know how she learned that I don’t like fish, but I could tell she did by the way she kept taking the fish out of my bowl and eating it herself.

            In the middle of the meal, the bride and groom entered. The bride had changed into a traditional red Chinese dress, and was carried onto a stage with a Bat-Mitzvah DJ type announcer inside a box with red curtains. The ceremony began with the bride and groom each serving a cup of tea to his/her mother and father. I don’t know how the bride could see with that red veil over her head. The ceremony was very quick, no more than ten minutes. At the conclusion, the bride and groom kissed only on the cheek. Besides their parents, I think I may have been the only one watching. Everyone else went on eating and talking right through the ceremony.

            After the ceremony, the bride changed into a silk red dress. Then the bride and groom did a shot with each and every table. And there were five hundred guests! I don’t know how they were still standing.  After about three shots, all the middle-aged woman who “never smoke” lit up. The smoke was horrible. The first thing I did when I got home was wash my hair.

            The wedding feast began at about six, and by eight everyone was getting up to leave. I’ve never been to such a short wedding. As I was leaving, a drunk man shoved a whole bunch of peanuts and sunflower seeds into my purse. I guess it really was time to go.

            I can’t believe I got to go to a Chinese wedding! How exciting is that!

Love,

Katherine