Top 5 People I'd Rather Hit Than My Students

One of the teachers recently told me that she does not believe I’m strict enough with the children. I find this interesting because when compared with Kayleigh, Sam, and Elena, I fear I’m going to be labeled the “American Bitch.” They’re all so much calmer than I. I yell. I’m a yeller. But you see, to American ears, Chinese people speaking to one another always sounds like they’re yelling and fighting. Really they are saying “I love you,” and “pass the chili.” When I told a Chinese teacher about the trouble I was having with Harry, she said “oh yes, I hit him all the time.” Hitting. Cultural differences. Not quite my style, however I’ve made a list of the top five people I’d rather hit than my students.

Top 5 People I’d Rather Hit Than My Students

1)            I’m not exactly sure who is giving the children their English names, but I really wish I could find her, flick her in the head, hand her a RECENT book of baby names, and tell her that if she names one more girl “Betty” I will beat her.  If I am lucky enough to have two girls in one class, one will always be named Betty. The other will be Kitty. I have a class of six with James I and James II. I have a class of eight with Big Jerry and Little Jerry. Big Jerry haunts my nightmares…. All the American Susans and Bettys are at least fifty. “Hanty” is not a name. I don’t think any Esters survived World War II. And all non-Hispanic female Angels are prostitutes. I even have a boy named Zoe. Truly terrible kid. Refuses to participate, and gives you this glare like he’s going to eat your family. Seriously, his glare is worse than mine (which is really saying something for those of you who know me.) My theory is that a teacher he terrorized named him Zoe as payback. For my last day of teaching I received the most wonderful gift a teacher can get: a student named Slytherin.

2)            Those people who don’t put diapers on their babies, then have them pee in the middle of walking streets.

3)            The asshole at Volkswagen who invented what I like to call “seatbelt blockers.” Fancy looking sticks with the VW logo, that you can put in your buckle to prevent belts from going in.  According to my host family, “you only need a seatbelt on the highway.” Not on the crazy deathtrap city streets, where cab drivers swerve like madmen, walking paths are driving lanes, and one-lane streets exist but no one-way streets. I miss suing culture.

4)            People who drive on the sidewalk, then beep at you to get out of their way. THEY’RE THE ONES IN THE WAY!!

5)            We’ve all seen them. They swarm into rest stops and devour everything in sight. They aggressively weave through the most touristy attractions, while all wearing the same hat. Under the command of a ferocious woman with a flag and a microphone, they follow blindly. They make it impossible to actually see the tourist attractions because they’re so busy holding up peace fingers and taking pictures in front of them. You know what I’m talking about. Chinese tour groups. And somebody, I’m not sure who, thought it would be fun for us to be a part of one. Outside, in the 40 degree Celsius weather. Well…I mean…it's a cultural experience.

One of the company’s excuses for paying us so little to work so hard was that we would receive a free cultural trip at the end. So here I am in Phoenix (tourist trap hell.) It’s like Paris: there are lots of different bridges for crossing the river; it’s packed with tourists; things are waaaaay more expensive than they should be…okay that’s where the comparisons end. It’s basically an old minority town, where the natives sell cheap knock offs of their traditional jewelry, and tourist can dress up in their traditional garb and take pictures along the river.  The bridges I mentioned are actually terribly precarious logs slapped together. They’re about 3ft wide with tourists aggressively trying to pass each other on both sides. After the first day we’d had enough of the heat and the tour group (without an English translator.) We turned ourselves nocturnal. The second day we slept all day, and pa…went to museums all night.

On the bright side, I picked up some beautiful jewelry and saw a weird ass magic show. One magician claimed to have hypnotized a chicken. (I think the chicken was just well trained.) Another magician not only swallowed fire, but put it all over his body. And I mean ALL over his body. It was totally worth the 6-hour weakly air-conditioned bus ride. Not to seem ungrateful… but Person Who Planned This With No Thought At All: you’re number five.

I actually do love being in China…if that doesn’t come across in this post.