Things I Learned In China (So Far)

Because I have no time to write proper blog entries

I teach 29 classes a week

1)   Water chestnuts do not come from cans. They come from weird purple alien pod thingies.

2)   Do not eat water chestnuts from weird purple alien pods. They taste like dirt.

3)   Do not worry about culture shock. To facilitate an easy transition the Chinese government has kindly placed a KFC, McDonalds, and Starbucks right outside of the immigration line at the Beijing International airport.

4)   Do not thank the cook for dinner. The father who pays the cook will be offended. Thank god I was only in my Beijing homestay for two nights. And the mother was very nice. She bought me coke, breakfast cereal, and Thousand Island dressing to keep me from becoming homesick.

5)   THEY EAT DONKEY HERE!!!!!

6)   Babies don’t have to wear diapers in China. Nor do they have to wear clothing that covers their genitals. If you see a baby squatting in the middle of a train: Notify its mother!

7)   Driving lanes are more of a suggestion. So are breakdown lanes, seatbelts, and driving on the right side of the road.

8)   Beijing is disgusting. Wearing glasses may help to keep the pollution out of your eyes. They say that for every month you live in a developing country you take one year off your life. I believe I lost one year in the two days I spent in Beijing.

9)   Chinese homestay is the best in the world. In other countries one must pay families to host. In China families offer to pay to host. Then they try to figure out all your favorite foods and smother you in them. My homestay sister calls me “her real live Barbie.”

10)                 Always look for programs where teenagers find the homestay families. For our program the number one qualification was: chill. At first I thought my homestay family was terribly overbearing. Then I realized that the fourteen-year-old was just needy. I take her less seriously now.

11)                 Chinese people DO know how to knock. My homestay parents knock. The program organizers knock. Other people’s homestay siblings knock. Just because my homestay sister doesn’t knock doesn’t mean that all Chinese people don’t knock. That’s stereotyping.

12)                 Just because you’re and English teacher doesn’t mean you have to speak English. In fact you can teach from books titled “Good English.” Teachers in China can pretty much get away with anything. Throw a kid out of class: Never hear about it again.  Draw on students with whiteboard markers: No one makes a peep.

13)                 As for the students: CHEATERS!!! Which is why I’m coloring on them with whiteboard markers. Write answers on your hands and I am forced to cover them up with marker. And I’m not even giving them tests. They’re cheating on games!!

14)                 If enough random strangers tell you you’re beautiful you begin to believe it. Example, “she says you’re beautiful. She wants you to tutor her daughter.”

15)                 If cab drivers tell you you’re beautiful…I dunno…maybe get out of the cab. If they spend more time staring at you than the road: That’s bad.

16)                 I no longer notice people staring. It freaks Betty (my homestay sister) out. It bothers the other Northwestern students. But when they mention it my response it usually, “they are?”

17)                 Chinese people believe that hamburgers are a typical American breakfast. When I offered to make my homestay family a traditional American breakfast (pancakes with the Bisquick and maple syrup I brought from home) they said, “hamburgers?” Long story short: they took me to the grocery store and today I’m making hamburgers. The pancakes went over very well. My grandfather made more breakfast. I have to tell myself it’s because the Chinese eat lots of different foods for every meal, not because it was a backup.

18)                 The rice containers in the grocery store are bigger than my bed. And all the meat still has its face.

19)                 And entire Beijing duck (face included) makes a great souvenir. My host father brought two home from Beijing with him. One for the family, and one they insist I bring back to the US. Any idea on whether or not I can get this through immigration? I’m pretttty sure it’s already cooked.

20)                 Fear the police. They like to make their power known. Do not ask to borrow their phones (this was not me but a friend). Their headquarters are like palaces. They will visit you in homestay to make sure that you are in fact in homestay. The woman will ask real questions. The man will ask if you can eat spicy food.

21)                 The closest thing you’re going to get to Diet Coke is Pepsi Max. And you will only be able to find it in a Walmart. And why wouldn’t you want to be in Walmart? It’s got the best air conditioning in town.